i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
