she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
