What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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