What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
