When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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