Everything about him screamed your future.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
