After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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