You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
