Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
