You smell like a Billy Joel song
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
