just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize