When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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