If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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