Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize