your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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