My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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