She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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