dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
