In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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