So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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