I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
we should paint friendship bongs
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