I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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