im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
