FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
