It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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