i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
