Can i not drive my cunt home
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
