Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My bed smells like the plague
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
