If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
