So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This baby is an asshole
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
