Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
