I think i peed on brittanys purse
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
