he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
