She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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