she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize