i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
so much tequila, so little girl.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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