i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize