Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
