i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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