my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize