dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's Friday. Sex?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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