bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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