I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
