Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
you never un-have a 4some
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
