Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
