I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
