So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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