Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
