There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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