He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He? As in you personified your dick?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
