I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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