U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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