K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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