also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
