her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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