Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
