Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
